I have good-ish news. My Ommaya injection that was scheduled for today was delayed until next week, which means I can hopefully make it through a trip to Tahoe for a wedding this weekend without being on massive amounts of steroids and painkillers. On the other hand, maybe it wouldn't be all that different from when I used to drink at weddings (Janet, I am so sorry for that speech on your wedding video). But I qualify "good" with "ish" because the reason my injection was delayed was that I have been so sickly lately (that, and now I have an Ommaya injection next week). In fact, I had a random vomit session last night. Today I felt pretty good, though. And my counts were inexplicably stellar today. My worrisome platelets jumped from 89 last week to 155 this week. If they're going behave like that, I'm going to ignore them a little more. Clearly they are just desperate for attention. So I'll concentrate on the more reliable blood cells. WBCs and neutrophils are also up (4.7 and 3900, respectively) so I also have a little immunity. Well, as much immunity as a transplant patient can have at this point. Which is...not much. But still. Hematocrit is 36% and hemoglobin 13 which means I won't pass out at some key part of the weekend from anemia. That's a good thing (on the other hand, maybe in wouldn't be all that different from when I used to drink at weddings. :) ).
We also got the house we were considering. So we'll be moving by the end of the month! I'm pretty excited...well, of course there is the whole "moving" part. In fact, if I talk about that right now, I'm going to need to go get an Ativan. Moving on...
I have an actual haircut scheduled for this week. If that's not moving forward, I don't know what is.
I really don't have a heck of a lot of a else to blog about. The thing is, March 14th will be the one-year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis, and I'm getting all retrospective-y again. Next scheduled reflections, should we all still be together on this blog, will be Luna's 3rd birthday (June 7) and my transplant "birthday" (September 22nd). So you've been warned. Recently, I read this blog from a woman my age who has undergone 2 transplants and a lot of treatment for GVHD. I relate so much to what she feels (although I don't feel as though I've lost any friends because of this. And if I did, I would deserve it because I never call anyone or answer my phone or respond to emails [I'm a decent texter though]. I also over-use parentheses and commas, which must be fairly annoying. I still haven't had anyone say anything really clueless or offensive to me, at least not that is memorable. And I wish somebody would so I would have a story for my blog). Do I feel like I've received a gift from this ordeal? No, not really. Is the sky bluer, my time more precious, my compassion for others that suffer deeper, my view of life more vivid? Sometimes. At other times, everything is slightly dulled and otherworldly. Would I trade a more fully realized life for having never gone through this crap? Maybe it's too early to call that one.
I just sometimes wish I had something profound to say. Now I've just sat here for 45 minutes thinking about it, but I have nothing to write. I'll guess I'll do it when I'm more organized. Maybe that will be on March 15th. Or maybe I won't even blog that day. But let me just say I'm not sure I have an organized coping mechanism or philosophy about this thing. It's f-ing confusing. At times I feel enough positivity to buy a house and imagine living there for the next xx years. At other times, I am convinced I won't even make it to the next scheduled retrospectives. Next minute, I just wallow in anger and sadness at the unfairness of it all. I have the whole "one day at a time" thing going on, but that's about it. Or maybe that is the coping mechanism. Either way, I fall off that wagon frequently.
Now I've wasted two paragraphs of your time saying nothing at all. Brett is yelling at me to go to bed. He would be extra annoyed with me if knew I hadn't even taken my pills yet. Goodnight!
4 comments:
I have been having my own retrospectives lately. I was recently comparing the weather this year with last March, me driving through a very messy South Lake Tahoe with Brett texting me saying how far had I gotten and you weren't feeling well. And I have many, many more memories burned in my brain forever. If you would like to borrow the stories, I'd be happy to share.
So happy about the house. I'll have to run down quickly to decorate my room! :) Excited to see you this weekend.
I have been inspired with one thing this past year...I belong to a wonderful family who have stretched to help, to support, to be there. Magnificent.
My love.
Mom
jessie I am a friend of Bretts and have been following your journey. I have been with several people going through the cancer journey so your story is always relatable. You didnt say nothing in this blog-you just confirmed that you have mixed emotions through it all. some are profound and some or more intune with your moment good or bad.
congratulations on the upcoming haircut! I am happy for your new home despite the craziness of moving. Hopefully the house repesents a stable move forward for your family.
from an observer standpoint it appears thar you are continually reminded that you have chosen amazing friends and family who continue to stand with you even when you are at your worst physically and emotionally. It is always good to know that and in the process maybe you can weed out a few who were all talk and no help at all.
good luck as your peculiar vacation moves forward
AJ Osborn
I just read your numbers to Justin (he is my interpreter); and he is pleased. Quote: "Good!" Obviously, there was much more enthusiasm, but, typing cannot relay that.
My next point: there is nothing wrong with parenthesis. I use them religiously...maybe it has something to do with academic writing...as you also may have noticed, I am a fan of the three period...which, I would think is even more annoying than your above mentioned grammatical marks. Oh well, we do what we do!
Finally: it's good to hear that you are good! I think of you daily...and really wish we were closer (not only so I wasn't residing in the Midwest). We love you...and are inspired by you...
Normal, normal, normal (not that I believe in that word anymore), but for giggles sake let's say there it exists and that you are doing and feeling and experiencing typical stuff for what you have gone through. You are truly AMAZING! Congrats on your new place and your upcoming haircut! Cheers to Luna's 3rd bday and your transplant bday! All which should be celebrated with like Prince in 1999! :) As always, you are in my thoughts and prayers and I send you positive energy!
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